Dealing with Difficult Co-Workers

Recently, a reader wrote to me in response to my post 5 Tips forBuild Better Relationships at Work. He seemed very upset because, according to his email, he is having a very hard time interacting with his co-workers. He feels that he's done everything I suggested already and it just isn't working. According to him, he constantly feels isolated and "like the odd man out". So he came to me seeking help. And that's exactly what I'm here for!

This post is a response to this reader in particular but, as I've said before, one person's problem is likely being experienced by many others. So I wanted everyone to benefit from the suggestions I have for this reader.

In this specific situation, our reader is dealing with more than just co-workers. He's dealing with difficult co-workers. When I think of a difficult co-worker, I picture someone like this:

*Someone who is not looking to work as a team - is more concerned with their own work rather than the team as a whole.

*Someone who lacks common courtesy and is generally unpleasant to be around (complains a lot, gossips, is negative).

*Someone who actively works to make your job harder either indirectly (by not informing you of things that are going on in the office) or directly (by blatantly doing things that interfere with your work).

*Someone who appears to simply not like you personally and makes no attempt to hide it.

*Someone who inappropriately thinks they have power over you and tries to direct you in a disrespectful manner.

Having to work with difficult people is challenging to say the least. Our dear reader is dealing with people that I think fit the description of at least one of the bullet points above. What's worse: he's in an extremely small office (less than 5 people). And when you're the "odd man out" in an office that small, you really feel it. To compound this reader's problem, he feels there is simply no way he can quit this job. He has too many responsibilities at home to do that.

So what to do?

Consider It

Before you do anything, consider how big of a problem it really is. Is the difficult co-worker(s) just hurting your feelings? Or are their actions causing true harm to your work? Are you less productive? Are you unable to complete specific tasks? The way I see it, there are 3 possible scenarios here:

1. The negative interactions are having a real and serious impact on your effectiveness in your job. If so, you need to begin documenting the problems that are occurring because of your interactions with this person(s). Be comprehensive, including specific names, situations, dates and times.

2. The co-worker(s) are really rude and unpleasant, but not seriously impacting the level of your performance. Ok. Working with people like this is always going to be a bummer. But if it's not substantially impacting your work, you may want to be a duck - let it roll off your back like water. Don't get bogged down feeling bad about it. Make your day pleasant for yourself - get out at lunch, keep pictures of your friends and family prominently posted to remind you of the great things in life. Eventually, they might come around. If not, you can probably stick it out until you're at a place in your life when a job change would be more feasible.

3. The problem is not necessarily impacting your work, but it is impacting your psychological (and possibly your physical) comfort level at work. If you still get the job done, but suffer with panic attacks, stomach aches, headaches or other physical or mental ailments because of the negative atmosphere, you need to begin documenting the problem right away. Again, be comprehensive in your approach and see a doctor right away.

Don't Ignore It

If there is obviously a problem, you can pretend that it doesn't exist. But that only works for a while. It gets tiring quickly. Acknowledge the problem inwardly to yourself first. Be honest with yourself and try to determine if there is a certain behavior that has triggered negativity towards you. Don't beat yourself up but consider the possibilities. Do you leave the break room messy all the time? Do you listen to your music too loudly? These things are small but, when you see the same people every day, even the tiniest annoyances can become huge personality flaws. Try to just make sure that they aren't overreacting to something you can easily put a stop to.

Confront It....Gently

There is no harm in gently approaching the difficult co-worker with a sincere desire to improve things. Approach the topic with tact and professionalism. Try something like, "Are we ok? I feel a little tension between us and I'd like to try to fix what's going on." Choose words that are to-the-point and non-confrontational. Don't get into an arguing match though. If they have a big complaint and your invitation to talk has opened the flood gates, suggest inviting your supervisor to join the conversation.

Ask for Help

It's important to have a supervisor who will work with everyone in the office to create a pleasant work environment. It's really a part of their job. Unfortunately, our dear reader has a boss who simply says, "That's the way it is". In my opinion, this is unacceptable. A team needs a leader who can bring different personalities together to get the job done. My guess is that the boss doesn't see that the negative interactions between people are actually impacting the bottom line. In his/her opinion, things are still getting done; goals are still being met, so there's no problem. It's up to you to show him otherwise (with documentation). Show him how the productivity of the team suffers, and how that impacts the bottom line, and I bet he'll show a little more concern.

If your boss or supervisor still doesn't want to get involved, ask if it would be possible to bring in a business coach to help facilitate conversations. If they are not responsive to such a suggestion, you can always seek help and guidance from the Human Resources department.

Throw the Party

This reader specifically said he was left out of social activities that took place with his co-workers. This probably sparks a weird mixture of feelings - on the one hand, these people are rotten to him so why would he want to spend any more time with them than absolutely necessary? But on the other hand, no one likes to feel isolated. So my suggestion is this: if you're not invited to the party, throw your own party. Ask the group if they'd like to hit happy hour after work one day. See if anyone would be interested in doing a pot luck lunch on Fridays. Throw yourself into the mob and see what happens. Most people have a hard time saying "no" when someone is making a real effort to be a part of things. They'll see that you want to join in and maybe it will dawn on them that they've been leaving you out. Even if they decline the invitation, maybe they'll think to invite you next time. It's worth a shot.

I wish our dear reader the best of luck with this awful situation. It's not going to be fun but hopefully, he can get it taken care of soon. We're all rooting for him and sending supportive thoughts his way!

For more on this topic, check out my article "How to Handle Conflict at Work" on Suite 101 (and, just in case, here's one on "How to Quit Your Job")

Talk about it