The Language of No: Learning to Be Assertive
Being assertive is difficult for some people. You want to be a team player. You don't want to make waves. But to survive in the business world you have to know how, and when, to stand your ground. So how can you be assertive without being rude? And where is the line between being considerate and being a doormat?
Line in the Sand
You've heard the expression: "get out of my sandbox." Well, the first step in being assertive is knowing where your sandbox begins and ends. Establish boundaries for yourself by knowing your needs. Know what you will accept and what you won't accept. Communicate where these lines are through your words and actions. If you are repeatedly asked to work late, only to pay $1 for every minute that you are late to daycare, speak up! Explain to your boss that you are willing to come in earlier if necessary, but that you must leave on time at the end of the day.
Get Out of Your Head
If you are not being assertive in negotiations, try getting out of your head. Many people deflate their own self-worth by talking themselves out of what they need. "They'll never buy this idea." "It's not good enough." In most cases we are our own worst critics. Stop listening to your inner demons; they're not on your side.
Keep it at a Simmer
Letting people take advantage of you may seem selfless at first. But over time, resentment can build to a boil. Most people fail to communicate effectively when they are angry. It's why trial lawyers work to get defendants riled during examinations. We don't think as clearly when we are mad. We don't state our cases as effectively when we are pushed to the boiling point. If you are not normally assertive, then starting when you are angry will only make you look irrational. Stand up for yourself before you get to the boiling point.
If you are new to being assertive, you may need to start by changing your mindset. Realize that there is a difference between being a team player, and being played because you aren't willing to stand up for yourself. Your ideas and your needs are just as important as your co-workers'. Speak your mind, even if it involves saying "no."
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5 responses to The Language of No: Learning to Be Assertive
AdminLisa Aug 10, 2010 3:24:14 PM
This is a big issue with me that I am trying to work on. The suggestions here are really helpful and I think I will try some of them. A book I am reading now that goes along these same lines is "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and I am finding it helpful as well.
deana79 Aug 10, 2010 6:28:05 PM
It definately important to say no and set boundaries. I've learned that if you don't do that, others may develope habits that only make more work for you. In my experiences, if you do something once or twice for someone that you wish you had said no to, they come to expect you to do it every time.
Jodith My Website Aug 14, 2010 3:08:47 AM
Boundaries are so important, and not just at work. I was such a push over most of my life. After I'd been in college a couple of years and living on my own, I realized how much I gave into other people all the time. The next time I was home on vacation, my sister told me to do something. I actually got up and started to do it before I stopped, took a deep breath, and told her to do it herself *laughs*. It was the first time I ever said "no" to anyone, and it was the greatest day of my life.
burnsrunner Dec 11, 2008 12:19:49 AM
It's amazing how much help there is out there to help me stay focused and motivated to get ahead and be assertive. I'm also learning about how to be more successful through Ken Lizotte's book, "The Expert's Edge". It is simply the only book any entrepreneur ever needs to succeed.
an.ab Dec 16, 2008 12:14:33 PM
The Language of No: Learning to Be Assertive I love this article, this is exactly what my problem is & now I am willing to use the suggestions. Thanks again for such suggestions! An
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