Ask the Career Consultant: Busting the Office Bully

Dear Lisa:

How do you deal with workplace bullies? I sometimes feel like I'm back in grade school! Every day, I have to deal with two people who are mean, disruptive and continually try to provoke me. I'm at my wits end! I don't want to quit my job, but these people are causing me so much emotional distress that I may not have a choice.

- At My Wits End

Dear AMWE:

We all remember the bully from the grade-school playground, right? Well, believe it or not, those little intimidators are all grown up and are now wreaking havoc in the workplace! Office bullies create a dysfunctional office environment, and it seems that they're not going away. And, as studies have shown, the most destructive thing about office bullies is that they tend to target the best and brightest employees.

You have touched on a very important subject that deserves attention: Bullies have an agenda. They tend to drive out colleagues they view as threats - those who are technically competent, independent, possess good social skills (which they certainly lack!), and have strong ethics.

As the EA to the president of my company, I found myself in a similar situation. Depending on the level of bullying, it can cause frustration, stress, loss of productivity and intimidation. In my case, the bully had no regard for my position and would stride in the executive offices, walk straight past my desk, and curtly inform me that she was going to see the boss. I was left in her dust. It had to stop! Before I tell you how I handled the situation, let's look at why bullies exist in the first place.

According the Workplace Bullying Institute's website (Yes, there really is such a place!), bullying is more prevalent in today's office environment than sexual harassment and racial discrimination. What's more, women are the majority of the victims. Although only 58 percent of bullies are women, they make up 80 percent of targets. A 2007 study in the Journal of Management Studies, found that 30 percent of U.S. workers have endured a bullying boss or coworker.

According to the study, if you've been bullied, you've likely experienced some of the following mistreatments:

• Information is withheld that affects your performance
• Exposed to an unmanageable workload
• Ordered to do work below your competence level
• Your work is excessively monitored
• Repeatedly reminded of your mistakes or errors
• Humiliated or ridiculed in connection with your work
• Had gossip or rumors spread about you
• Had offensive or insulting remarks made about you

Bullies also have particular behavior patterns, such as:

• Distorting of the truth
• Acting "two-faced": Charming in public (or to the boss!) and malicious in private
• Blaming others for errors
• Demonstrating a visible need to control others
• Taking credit for coworkers' work
• Having an aggressive /condescending verbal tone
• Berating others in public

So, it's clear that we have our hands full dealing with bullies. But, what's a nice administrative professional to do?

Here are a few suggestions:

Kill them with kindness.

Don't stoop to their level by responding with a snide remark; that's exactly the reaction they're anticipating. Bear in mind: Kindness always throws bullies off guard. However, the kindness must be genuine. Don't use sarcasm.

Don't assume the worst.

Try this little experiment: Assume the bully is unaware of how his or her actions are affecting you. According to Kerry Patterson, coauthor of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, presuming innocence avoids an accusation and starts the conversation off right.

Stick to the facts.

It's easy to feel victimized when confronted by a master bully. Try to refrain from talking about your feelings or making conclusions. Instead, focus on the facts. For instance, say: "Often in meetings, you demean my ideas. Today, you called my idea stupid." State the facts, and only the facts. It's a powerful defense against the bully, and using fact-based language alone makes you sound confident.

Don't get mad, get evidence!

Some people have been able to stand up to bullies, put them in their place, and move on. But, in most cases, it's important to collect all the evidence you can. Nasty e-mails, abusive notes and conversations overheard by coworkers should all be documented.

Keep it to a whisper.

Some bullies resort to shouting matches, and it's tough to stay cool, calm and collected when someone's yelling in your face. However, realize that this is a well-practiced BT (bully tactic) and the best defense is to start whispering. Really. It's also completely acceptable to turn and walk away.

If the bullying continues, realize that bullies hate a fair fight. Therefore, refrain from isolating yourself. Talk to HR personnel, your boss, or use your Employee Assistance Program. Remember: There is often strength in numbers.

Putting It into Practice

So, how did I handle my bully? After the dust settled, I consciously made the decision to face her the next time she flew into the office. I used the ideas above, focusing on two specific tactics: physically getting in her space and killing her with kindness. The next time I saw her, I immediately stood up and went around my desk to stand in front of her. Before she could open her mouth, I choked up the words, "Good morning. How's it going today? I'd be happy to make an appointment for you to see Mr. Jones."

At first, she attempted to maneuver around me. However, I moved into her path, and repeated the same phrase. Notice how I didn't ask her if she wanted to make an appointment. She got the message and retreated. From that point on, I never had another problem with this bully. Most likely, she moved on to other targets. Interestingly, I discussed the situation with my boss about a month later, and he mentioned that he was watching to see how I would handle it. The take-home message? Find creative ways to solve workplace issues.

But, what if it gets unbearable? If your organization simply ignores the bullying behavior, the only way to solve the problem may be for you to leave. However, this should always be the last resort.

Savvy administrative professionals must take the bully challenge and discover effective ways to deal with the situation. And, the next time you're bullied, remind yourself that you make the choice to allow others to have control over you. Stand tall, and remember: It's your playground, too!

Talk About It

Have you ever encountered a workplace bully? How did you handle the situation? Also, take this quiz to make sure that others don't consider you the office intimidator.

Lisa Olsen provides OfficeArrow members with down-to-earth career advice from her extensive experience as a Career Consultant. An author, trainer, speaker and consultant, Lisa's dedication to building relationship chemistry and helping people power up their potential has been the catalyst for her own success. Learn more about Lisa and her services, including keynote addresses, resume revision, and on-site professional development training here.